The woman behind the smile
I have had an eating disorder for most of my life. I never knew it was a problem because to me all the behaviors I engaged in, all the thoughts that constantly flooded my mind were ‘normal. I mean they must be ‘normal’ since I was thinking them….right?
But in reality those thoughts, those behaviors were just a byproduct of a mental health disorder- anorexia.
For me those thoughts, those emotions were so intense I couldn’t quite them. I had constant ruminating thoughts about food, weight, my size, and exercise. I thought everyone’s brain worked like this, I thought everyone felt guilt after eating and felt shame after looking in the mirror. But what I never knew was all of those feelings were covering up an intense lack of self esteem, a self hatred, a feeling of not being lovable, a feeling of not being good enough, an anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. As my thoughts increased, my behaviors needed to increase; and as my behaviors increased my thoughts increased. Restricting and overexercising made me feel in control, let me numb my feelings, and power through unpleasant thoughts.
Let me back up.
Ever since I can remember I have had a fear, yes a paralyzing fear of eating.
I used to go to birthday parties is elementary school and pretend to hate pizza, cupcakes, ice cream... anything I perceived as ‘bad food’. I didn’t want to be seen eating ‘bad food’ because I didn’t want to be ‘bad’. I even started to refuse to eat in front of strangers my anxiety about food was so intense; I didn’t believe I deserved to be nourished the way everyone else did. And eventually these behaviors became normalized, routine, and ok.
As I grew older my hatred for my body grew deeper. I thought happiness and self fulfillment would come through a smaller size. Dieting was the culture, and finally I fit in. But instead of going on healthy diets I fell into the diet cycle, bouncing from one diet to the next, restricting certain foods, food groups, and then food all together. My thoughts of food were constant and my shame of my body became utterly paralyzing. I began to loose my own thoughts of who I was and what I wanted because all I could concentrate on was how much I hated how I looked, what I ate, and how much I exercised.
As I turned 30 life hit me like a ton of bricks. I had worked so hard for a job that I was completely miserable at, I was alone without a life partner, my friends were dwindling, and I had finally started to become overflooded with some feelings of uttery misery, anxiety, and hatred for myself. At the urging of my mom I agreed to go to therapy.
Therapy doesn’t cure you, therapy is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, and at first I will not lie it made everything worse. For the first time I had to face my issues and talk about my emotions. The more I talked, the more I used eating disorder behaviors. They were all I had to use at the time to cope. And as I unraveled in therapy my behaviors became extreme. I spent the next 2-½ years in and out of intensive eating disorder treatment along with consistent therapy and nutrition counseling.
I don’t for one second regret going to therapy, it’s like the band-aid was finally pulled off and there was no going back. But I will never lie and say therapy, treatment, or recovery is easy. That’s why I believe treatment is only a stepping stone, recovery is a very long journey, and the aftermath of recovery needs its own process. I am here as a woman still recovering from treatment, recovering from ripping the bandaid off, and recovering from discovering a lot of self truths I wanted to keep buried.
My body is also still healing, because like the mind- nothing heals overnight.
This sounds awful, but it’s not.
Self discovery is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Self discovery and love. I hope to share my story and open people’s minds to what it is like dealing with an eating disorder, living with mental health issues, and continuing to recover a body and a mind you are just learning to accept and eventually, hopefully love.