Apology: for when my eating disorder controlled my thoughts
Last night I was sitting next to a young woman talking on her cell phone rattle off everything she has eaten, all the ‘healthy’ foods she had eaten, all the ‘cheats’ she had and why she thinks she is not losing weight, what else she needs to do, and taking turns with the receiver about how to take control of their diets. The conversation went round and round in circles with no rational, no end, and so many triggering statements that I finally made the decision to redirect my thoughts and work on this post.
There is no doubt that the person on the other end of the phone is just as wrapped up (sorry for the pun) in this conversation about food, trying to weigh their worth on what they ate, look like, etc. When I stop and think, distancing myself a little bit from her nonsensical conversation, I wonder how many of these conversations have I had?
How many friends have I declared a whole conversation around bashing our bodies, around bashing food that goes into our bodies, and the ‘mistakes’ we have made related to our food, bodies, and exercise?
The conversations have no doubt happened in my head, on a repeat reel over and over, every minute of every waking day for years, but how many friends, colleges, family members, acquaintances, random people on the bus have I roped into thinking they are not enough through these kinds of conversations? How many people have I used to compare my eating to theirs, my exercise to theirs, my ‘control’ to theirs. And how many people have heard this as just another conversation... or as an insult?
See the thing is, either way I did damage. Or actually my eating disordered mind did damage. But it came out of my mouth. That’s the mental illness part that most people don’t get. An eating disorder is a mental disorder and anything I said was possessed by this disorder, but it still came from my mouth. It’s a little confusing to understand- separating my rational mind from the eating disordered mind, but all it boils down to is that came from my brain. A brain that has both disordered thoughts and a brain that has the ability to make rational thoughts, comments, and decisions. Either way the damage to people that surrounded me was done.
Not intentional, not on purpose, and not without the eating disorder mind taking control- but I did damage to people that did not know what they were listening to.
And that is why it is so important to recognize that having an eating disorder is a mental disorder and takes away some of a person’s rational mind. I am not saying the girl on the phone had an eating disorder, but I recognize that diet culture in our society is one of the top topics we talk about at parties, at dinners, at events to fill the silence, etc. A majority of eating disorders start with a diet that goes wrong and the more we allow diets to be ok, body bashing to be ok, the higher an increase in disordered eating and eating disorders there will be.
Now that I am recovering I apologize for what I might have said and allowed to be said when my eating disorder thoughts took over. I know it was damaging to myself, it was my eating disorder mind speaking, and unfortunately I have no idea the damage it did to those around me. Eating disorders affect those suffering, but also those that are trying to help them. For this reason I appologize to anyone I damaged. I now know:
Having a conversation about ‘good’ foods versus ‘bad’ foods is damaging. Foods are not good, they are not bad, food is fuel, it is nutritious, it is delicious, and can be delicious.
Having a conversation about what is ‘normal’ to eat is damaging. Normal is not a measurable concept and what is ‘normal’ for one person may not be ‘normal’ for the next. Get rid of ‘normal’!
Having a conversation and indulging the idea of exercise as a way of compensation for food is damaging. Exercise should be for enjoyment. Period.
Having a conversation about people’s body size and insinuating it needs to change is damaging. EveryBODY is beautiful, EveryBODY has a different setpoint as well as different needs.
I admit that I am still working on my conversational skills :) Sometimes I find the eating disorder taking over and intruding on a perfectly good conversation, it’s quite rude actually. I’m working on it and making amends with these thoughts, but it’s a process.
One thing that I have realized and that has really helped…? Make compliments on people's soul not on their appearance. It’s so much more meaningful to get a compliment like this and to give a compliment like this. If we start to change the way we compliment each other we start to change the focus of what is important- our insides. You spend time with people because of how they make you feel not because of how they look- start to let them know how much and what is really important.