I Didn’t Change, I Just Found Myself

It has recently come to my attention, in an incredibly hurtful way, that someone I thought was a near and dear friend to me no longer values me as a friend, no longer values me as a person they wanted in their life, and no longer values me as a good person. This hurt me to the core, to my deepest level.

This brought up a snowball of feelings- not being good enough, inadequacy, loneliness, pain, loss, sadness, grief, anger; and got me thinking about more than just this loss of friendship persay but more big picture.

The changes your relationships go through as you recover.

I know I have always put so much into relationships, so much so that at times I get used. I get so invested in other people’s problems that they become my own, and so focused on people liking me that I tell people what they want to hear so they will remain my friend, it's pure fear wrapped in anxiety.

There have been times where I have tested this theory and voiced my opinion, only to be met with such disagreement, such disdain, that it cause me to avoid doing it again.

There have also been times where instead of reaching out I waited for friends to reach out to me. Of course this is a tricky game, when only one person is playing, and that kind of game never ends well. So you get the idea.

With the help of recovery, understanding my values, my boundaries better, and valuing my needs- I have started to express a lot more of this to my friends, to my supports, to my family. I was shocked by so much support, people really do love and accept you for who you are, who knew!

But I guess with the good, comes the not so good- and there were a few exception.

Over the years I have slowly been trying to learn how to voice my real opinions, not the opinions of what I think others will want to hear. I have slowly been trying to put myself first, taking time for me, leaving situations that hurt me or avoiding situations that harm my recovery.

I have also become more active in silence.

This is a BIG one.

I used to continuously reach out to people that needed help, ignoring what I needed. I used to put other people’s problems before mine and avoid my problems.

But I’ve become more active in my silence.

And like I said, some people have supported this slight change into coming into my own voice, while other do not.

I’ve never changed who I am, deep down I’ve always cared how my friends and family feel and want to hear about their problems, check up on them, go out of my way for them. But no longer will I allow their problems to take over my life. No longer will I be the only one in a two-person relationship making the only genuine effort. No longer will I silence my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions just so they might not get hurt.

I’ve always had these feelings, but the eating disorder told me my feelings were not valid, that people will only like me if I tell them what they want, that people will only like me if I go above and beyond for them. There needs to be a balance, mutual respect, mutual compassion, and at the heart of it compassion for myself.

I write this in hopes that people understand that everyone have rights to take care of themselves.

Everyone has a right to take care of themselves is a respectful, kindhearted, genuine, compassionate way. To put themselves first, to care for others but maintain respect and love for themselves as well. If you feel you are mentally or verbally the punching bag for someone else's emotions- recognize that this is their problem and not yours. It is your right to take care of yourself at all times.

And if you evolve into a person that begins to stand up for themselves more, begins to speak their mind more, begins to silence the chatter; then good for you. That is only the true you coming out, nothing has changed, you have just found yourself.